


somewhere only we know

by toflowerknights



Series: i love you, don't you mind? [3]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Permanent Injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-22
Updated: 2015-05-22
Packaged: 2018-03-29 14:35:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3899851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toflowerknights/pseuds/toflowerknights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bellamy woke up to darkness. He had one second of calm before panic set in. He had no idea where he was. He sat up and winced when he felt his muscles ache. He tried to find something to focus on, but besides a small round circle of faint light in front of him there was nothing else he could see. There was a soft breeze of fresh air running through his hair and all of a sudden he realised he wasn't in Mount Weather anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	somewhere only we know

Bellamy woke up to darkness. He had one second of calm before panic set in. He had no idea where he was. He sat up and winced when he felt his muscles ache. He tried to find something to focus on, but besides a small round circle of faint light in front of him there was nothing else he could see. There was a soft breeze of fresh air running through his hair and all of a sudden he realised he wasn't in Mount Weather anymore.

And then he remembered. He remembered the mountain. Exploding, just as he and Octavia was about to escape. Octavia...

"Octavia," he screamed and jumped up from the cot he had been resting on. " _Octavia!_ "

He searched the small room frantically, trying to see if it was big enough to contain another person, but it was empty. Octavia wasn't there.

" _Octavia_?"

"Bellamy?" came the faint reply, far away. Too far away.

Bellamy ran up to the only source of light he had. A door he guessed and searched for the handle. His panic grew when he couldn't find one and he banged on the door in anguish.

"Let me out of here," he yelled again and banged on the door. "Octavia... I need-"

There was no reply and he kept banging on the door, because Octavia was there, she was so close but he couldn't get to her. The smooth and cold metal under his hand wouldn't yield, no matter how hard he tried. His breath came in short gasps, anxiety too heavy to carry and he leaned against the door and clenched his hand into a fist.

"Please," he begged, and heard his voice break. " _Please!_ "

"Calm down!"

Bellamy's head snapped up and a hand curled around his cheek. He leaned into the touch and tried to relax into the comfort Finn brought. The terror in his chest subsided slightly and he looked at Finn, who was standing in front of him with a small smile on his lips. Like always.

"I need-" Bellamy rasped out, but Finn interrupted him.

"I know. Just calm down."

Bellamy could hear the distant banging that had to be Octavia, and his heart was pounding wildly in his chest. Octavia needed his help and he wasn't there. His breath was hitching in his throat and the only thing that kept him even remotely rooted in reality was Finn's hand on his cheek.

"Need to breathe, Bellamy," Finn whispered. "Deep breaths now."

"Deep breaths," Bellamy repeated. "Need to breathe." He took a few shaky, deep breaths and repeated it until his breathing was back to normal. His heart was still pounding against his ribcage and there was no way he could stand the hopeless cries form Octavia for much longer.

"Listen," Finn said firmly, let his hand fall from Bellamy's cheek and took a step back.

Bellamy didn't understand what he was talking about, but he strained his ears and that's when he heard it.

Footsteps.

He took a step back to prepare himself for whomever was behind the door. There was a mechanical buzzing and the door slid open. A man walked through the door and just as Bellamy was about to fight with all that he had he realised it was Monty. His shoulders slumped with relief and he fell into Monty's arms. A surprised sound escaped Monty and after a moment's hesitation he hugged him back.

"Monty, please," he said. "Octavia."

Monty, who seemed to have heard the panic in his voice nodded once and motioned for him to follow.

They hurried through the corridor and now that the sun streamed through the wide windows he recognised the grey metal of the Ark. Finn was walking a few steps behind Bellamy, and he could feel the faint press of his hand against his back. Monty stopped in front of a door that looked exactly like the one they had just left behind. Bellamy looked inside.

Octavia's wild eyes looked at him through the glass and he automatically held up his hand and pressed it against the surface. Within a second Octavia's hand were matching his and the fear in her eyes had subsided.

"I'm glad you're okay," was all Monty said before he pressed the keypad to his left.

Bellamy didn't reply and the minute the doors were open wide enough to slip through he was inside and a second later he had Octavia in his arms again. Octavia's hands clawed at his jacket, desperate to keep him close and Bellamy buried his face in Octavia's hair. Something thick lodged itself in his throat and he pushed it down. She was alright. She was safe.

"I'm here," he promised. "You're not alone. Never again, I promise."

-

"Clarke's negotiating with the Commander of the grounders," Monty told him as they sat down outside in the sunlight. Around them the camp was filled with people busy with building a fence and huts and what looked like a garden of various vegetables. "She wanted to be here when you guys woke up, but she had to leave."

Bellamy tried to feel surprised, but it made sense that they would try to find some peace so that they could all try to survive. The Commander had agreed to a truce so that they could save the people captured in the mountain.

Monty had told them that Mount Weather had been capturing grounders and turning half of them into reapers, while draining the rest of their blood. Bellamy reached back to press at the small scar on the back of his neck. He didn't know if it felt better or worse to know that they weren't the only one being experimented on.

A wounded noise escaped Octavia's throat and Bellamy covered her clenched fist with the palm of his hand.

"We can't really move all of Alpha station," Monty said with a shrug. "I don't know where we'd go if the Commander wants us gone."

There was an aura of sadness surrounding him and that combined with the uncomfortable shifting from Octavia had Bellamy constantly on edge. He didn't know what to do.

"Ask him how he's been," Finn mumbled in Bellamy's ear, and Bellamy waved him away in irritation. "Do it!"

"How've you been?" he asked.

Monty looked at him in surprise and his eyes flickered to where Bellamy's hand had been moments ago.

"I'm fine," he said slowly. "It's up and down, you know?"

Bellamy nodded. "Yeah," he replied. "I know."

There was an awkward pause after that and Finn pressed his mouth against his neck, a smile evident on his lips. Bellamy allowed himself a few seconds of indulgence before he subtly knocked against Finn's thigh to make him stop.

"Boring," Finn muttered. 

"Later," Bellamy whispered and Monty stared at him curiously.

"What's happening later?" he asked.

"Bellamy is talking to Finn," Octavia said quietly, words thick and halting, as if she wasn't sure if they were the correct ones. She watched a group of people that had come down with the Ark walk across the camp. "He does that a lot, you learn to accept it after a while."

A flush spread across Bellamy's face and he stared at Monty who was looking just as flushed as he was.

"Yeah, okay," he said after a while and then he didn't say anything else.

Bellamy felt slightly better though.

"Clarke will want to talk to you when she gets back," Monty said as they parted ways for the evening. "She's got a lot of questions."

Bellamy nodded once and draped an arm around Octavia's shoulders. "I'm sure she does," he replied and the door closed behind them.

-

Bellamy didn't sleep that night, too wired to make sure that Octavia was safe to relax. He was worn out and tired, but every time there was a hitch in Octavia's breath he was wide awake again. At around three am, Bellamy guessed, there was a soft knock on the door. It was unlocked, Bellamy had made sure of that.

"Come in," he said and the door slid open and Clarke stepped in.

"Bellamy," she said with a small smile. Her hair was shorter than Bellamy remembered and he figured she must've cut it since they last saw each other. A large bruise covered her cheek and she was wearing her arm in a sling. When she saw him staring she gave him a small shrug. "Battle wounds," she explained. "I was closer to the explosion than anticipated. Should be fine in a couple of days though."

"That's good," Bellamy said and felt a phantom ache in his bad arm. It had been months since the fire and he still wasn't used to the feeling. Finn was by his side in an instant and put a comforting hand on his arm. Bellamy just wished he could feel it.

"Is it okay if I'm here?" Clarke asked and Bellamy shrugged.

"Just make sure you don't wake Octavia," he said as she sat down in front of him. "She rarely sleeps, so when she does I'd like for her to keep doing it."

Clarke smiled and gave him a small nod. She cast a quick glance at Octavia's sleeping form and pressed her lips together. "I tried to save you as soon as I could," she said solemnly. "When we built a truce with the grounders and the Commander told us what really happened to prisoners in Mount Weather I did everything I could-"

"Clarke, I chose to stay," Bellamy said gently. "What happened to me in Mount Weather wasn't your fault."

"I shouldn't have let you stay behind," Clarke said, and she sounded tired. "You're one of us. We protect our own."

They sat in silence for a while and wondered where they could possibly start. So much had happened since Clarke escaped with the others from Mount Weather and Bellamy was curious. He wanted to know. He knew that because Finn poked him at least five times in the side, telling him to ask Clarke all sorts of things.

Clarke beat him to it.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

Bellamy knew it was inevitable. Clarke would want to know. His scar tingled and he reached back to press down on it. "Might as well," he said and started talking.

When he was done Clarke was sitting with her hand covering her mouth, eyes wide in horror and sympathy. "We need to see what they did to you," she began, but Bellamy interrupted her.

"No," he said roughly. "No tests. No more."

Clarke seemed to understand.

They talked for a few more minutes and when Bellamy felt tired enough to fall over Clarke got up on her feet and walked toward the door.

"One more thing, Clarke," Bellamy said quietly and cast a quick glance at his sister. Octavia was twisting and turning in her sleep, but she wasn't scared. "If the grounders really do want peace, if the Commander let's us stay here..."

Clarke looked at him with raised eyebrows.

"If Octavia wants to leave, we'll leave," he said finally. "We'll find somewhere, the two of us, where she can feel safe."

He knew that Clarke was close, so close, to agreeing with the Commander and that it would make it easier for everyone to start living. 

"Then I hope she feels safe here when that happens," was all she said before she closed the door.

-

It took some time getting used to his newfound freedom. Bellamy didn't realise how much he had missed being able to walk around freely and breathing fresh air. He and Octavia spent all their time outside but in close proximity to the Ark, always within arms reach from each other. Something that came with that though was the mumbles and stares that followed both him and Octavia around. Apparently being siblings wasn't the strangest thing about them anymore.

The two torn up and broken siblings who had been saved from Mount Weather looking more dead than alive, one barely spoke english and the other talked to himself. There was bound to be talk.

It bothered Bellamy for all of ten minutes and then Finn had made some casual remark which Bellamy more focused on the fragment of his imagination than the people around him. He found it hard to care about anything else to be honest. Especially since Octavia was getting bolder each day. She was getting stronger and he... Bellamy guessed he was the same.

His ended his days by crawling into bed, Octavia curled up at his side and Finn wrapped up around him on the other. A few weeks after their arrival Octavia would tell him that she wanted to spend time with her friends, that she'd be fine, and then he would spend what felt like hours touching every inch of Finn's body. He had trouble separating reality from fiction, more than usual, again. He wondered, not for the first time, if he wasn't just straight up insane.

"I could go, if you wanted me to," Finn mumbled against his neck and Bellamy pressed him closer, daring him to leave.

-

Peace came two weeks later and with it the Commander and about seventy of her people. Clarke had invited them to celebrate the newfound truce at Camp Jaha, cleverly named that way in honour of the late Chancellor. Bellamy had merely raised his eyebrow, not really seeing what Jaha was worth being honoured for. After all, he had sent them down here to die.

Finn had told him he was being petty, to which he had replied with a middle finger.

"It was Kane's idea," Clarke had explained. "He thought it seemed fitting."

Bellamy pretended that he didn't notice the slight clenching of her fists, or the way her fingers brushed against her father's watch. Finn had, oh so casually, reminded him that Clarke's mother had died, not on the Exodus ship as they had once thought, but from oxygen depravation when it was launched prematurely.  _She has lost a lot as well_ , Bellamy thought to himself. Finn hummed in agreement.

A group of grounders passed them with wary yet displeased looks and Bellamy thought he saw an underlaying tone of respect toward Clarke. He studied her carefully and wondered when she had surpassed every expectation anyone could ever have placed on her.

"Your mother would be proud," he said quietly and Clarke's head snapped up.

"Don't," she warned and swiped her hand across her face. Her eyes were blank. "Bellamy, please."

Bellamy understood something in that moment. Clarke was barely holding it together. It was almost outstanding in the realisation. Inch after inch of the girl he had first met had been shoved inside, hidden under a hard shell. It was amazing that she hadn't crumbled already, and Bellamy suspected that there would be a time when she'd need someone to talk to. But weakness was something she couldn't afford right now so if she had to bury that part of herself Bellamy would let her. One day that wouldn't be enough, but Clarke was a strong girl. She wouldn't falter. 

"Don't worry," he said. "I won't tell anyone."

He reached out and touched her shoulder comfortingly.

Clarke smiled, her lips pressed together. "You know, I was so happy when I first saw you in Mount Weather," she said and Bellamy tensed slightly. "I was so convinced that I'd... that I'd killed you. When I closed the doors-"

"Clarke, you don't have to say anything," Bellamy said but Clarke interrupted him.

"No, but I have to." She took a large breath. "I'm  _so_ sorry."

"Clarke, no," Bellamy said, unable to listen to the pain in her voice. "I don't blame you, you have to know that. You did what you had to do and no one,  _no one_ , is holding that against you. Alright? And look what came out of all this," he added, "You gave us peace."

They stood like that for a while. Clarke with her lips pressed together and Bellamy with his hand awkwardly on her shoulder. Finn was silently standing by his side, asserting every moment that passed.

Finally Clarke took a step back and gave him a small smile. She wiped any residue wetness from her eyes and looked at him searchingly. "You sound like him," she said and Bellamy felt like he'd been punched in the gut.

"Yeah, well," he said quietly and clenched his fist. "I try."

-

The celebrations lasted well into the night and somewhere along the night Bellamy actually relaxed. He was slightly buzzed from the batch of moonshine Monty had made illegally and had been handing out since five am that morning.

"You're missing something," Finn sing-songed and Bellamy wondered if the cheery, yet terrifying, attitude was something that happened once he was drunk. He hadn't been like this before, after all.

"Can you try to be helpful?" Bellamy asked as he walked through the camp, people stepping out of his way as he did.

"Always helpful, dear," Finn said with a mock salute.

"Fuck off," Bellamy said loudly and made several people around him look at him in confusion.

Finn sighed and gently combed his fingers through Bellamy's hair. Bellamy relaxed into the touch and nearly missed Finn's softly spoken words.

"Can you see her?"

Bellamy's eyes flew open.

When Bellamy found Octavia she was in their room, pressed against the cold metal of the Ark with her arms wrapped tightly around her.

"What's wrong?" Bellamy asked, instantly at her side.

"I can't stay here," Octavia said thickly. "I- the grounders..."

There was panic in her eyes and they were unable to focus on one point, instead flickering from side to side. Bellamy grabbed her hand and winced when he saw the deep, bloody imprints her nails had left in her palms. He traced the scar leading from her eye down to her mouth and gently caressed her face.

"We'll leave," Bellamy promised. "We can find somewhere, just the two of us."

Octavia smiled slightly and her face was twisted into something that would've been beautiful but had been torn apart by the scars across her body.

"No Finn?" she asked.

Bellamy couldn't help but smile. "Well," he said. "He's always here."

-

The next day Bellamy and Octavia packed whatever things they had, Finn giving Bellamy suggestions of things to bring. It ended with Bellamy being greatly annoyed and focusing more on blocking Finn's suggestions out than actually packing. Several threats were made during the course of fifteen minutes, and Bellamy wondered if things maybe hadn't been better when he was popped up on pills. At least things had been quiet then. It had some positive affect though. Octavia, who had been a tight ball of anxiety had watched her brother with a wide smile and she even let out a laugh every once in a while.

"Octavia, don't encourage him," Bellamy bit out.

"I'm not the one talking to myself, brother," Octavia said with a satisfied smile. "You only have yourself to blame."

"Listen to the lady," Finn said and kissed Bellamy on the cheek. Bellamy felt his annoyance dissolve and rolled his eyes with a small smile.

-

Octavia walked ahead toward the gate and waited while Bellamy searched for Clarke. He found her talking to one of the new appointed doctors in medical.

"Good morning," she said with a smile, that tightened once she saw the pack hiked up on his shoulder.

"It's time for us to move on," Bellamy said with a small smile.

Clarke looked at him sadly.

"I figured you wouldn't want to stay," she confessed. "I just hoped that you would."

Bellamy looked out over the camp and saw families sitting together and people he'd never seen before, in a place completely foreign to him, and he felt no attachment, no love for what he saw. They were strangers.

"We don't belong here," he said honestly. "And I can't celebrate peace with the people who did this to my sister." He looked at the tentative joy around him, heard the laughter in the air. This would work, he knew that. Clarke had seen to that, and from what he'd heard the grounder Commander, Lexa, was a fair leader.

He also knew that he couldn't stay.

"I'm too tired," Bellamy said to Clarke. "I just want to-"

He didn't know what to say. There was something bittersweet in their farewell and Bellamy knew that he would miss this place. Maybe he would've found some peace there.

"I hope that you'll come back, one day," Clarke said.

Bellamy suddenly had the urge to hug her. To tell her that she would be fine, to not worry about them. He did neither.

Clarke reached out and touched his shoulder. "I'll miss you," she said and pressed her lips together in a wobbly smile. "I'll miss you both."

-

They spent the first night in Lincoln's cave and that in time gave Octavia time to say goodbye. Bellamy had never been fond of the grounder, but seeing the way Octavia's lips trembled as she tried to hold back tears made him clench his hand into a fist. He waited outside, let Octavia take her time and when she told him to come in he pretended he didn't notice the tear tracks on her cheeks. He knew she didn't want him to.

"We should go to the ocean," Octavia said one day as they were sitting by a small pond, dipping their toes in the clear water. "Lincoln always said that he had allies there. We could go there."

Bellamy, who had been distracted by Finn trailing his fingers up and down his arm, barely heard what she said.

"Hmm," he said in agreement and Octavia rolled her eyes at him.

"Bellamy, I'm serious."

Since Bellamy couldn't deny his sister anything they soon packed their bags and headed east.

-

Things got better once they had a plan in motion. It wasn't perfect, far from it, but Bellamy had a feeling they'd never be completely whole again.

Their nights were still filled with bad dreams that woke Bellamy up, sweaty and shivering. If it wasn't from Octavia's cries it was from a particularly graphic memory of what had been done to him in Mount Weather and when he woke up those times he barely had time to turn over before he threw up.

Most often then not though Octavia was the one to wake him up.

Bellamy wasn't surprised that she handled it all better than him. She had always been the strong one.

"I'm sorry," he gasped after a particularly violent attack as he clung to the fabric of her shirt. He could feel the sting of the needle in the back of his neck and he let go of Octavia's shirt in to tear at his hair and scratch against the small scar. His fingers came away bloody. He felt Finn's hand trying to make him stop hurting himself and he grabbed the hand for support.

"I'm so sorry," he repeated.

Octavia only hushed him and wrapped her arms around him.

-

"Do you want me to go?" Finn asked him once when they were laying on the grass, watching Octavia tentatively getting familiar with nature once more.

"You already know the answer," Bellamy replied.

Finn hummed quietly and picked at the holes in Bellamy's t-shirt. He cast a pointed look at a big red flower within arms reach of Bellamy and after a few moments silent negotiation Bellamy relented and picked the flower before putting it behind his ears.

 "I'll stay then," Finn said.

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know what this is, really. maybe it's the end. i just needed to get some sort of finish to it, and at the moment this is it.


End file.
